My Roomate Excalibur
by Majestic Muffin
Summary: Excalibur the Holy Sword has decided to become Death the Kid's weapon, and Kid is having a hard time adjusting to it. An old fic of mine I never thought to post until now. Ah, youth.
1. Chapter 1

**My Roomate Excalubur**

**Prolouge**

In a certain place, in a certain cave, a certain someone (or something) dwelled, waiting patently for a certain someone else. "But why wait so indignantly," thought this first someone aloud. "When _I _could go on my own? I've been waiting for so long. Others came, but they never made the cut." The unknown figure fixed the position of his tall, white top hat. "I must find the reaper's son. Yes, yes! They must remember me," He thought. "After all, I am the legendary sword! I've had it with this damp cave. I must go find the one who found me. My true meister!" He raised his long, thin cane into the air. "Then it's settled. By the power invested in myself, I declare myself going now!" And with that, the "Holy Sword" pranced down the corridors of the cave and hummed a tune.

**Chapter One: Ice Cream and A Visitor**

Another long day at the Death Weapon Miester Academy ended with the setting of a drooling sun and the rising of a devilishly-grinning moon. Extracarricular soul-collecting missions had paid off for most students today. As the meisters and weapon-humans alike separated and walked to their homes, a certain black-suited shinigami gleefully skipped down the steps of the school.

This day had been a glorious one for Death the Kid, son of Lord Death. He woke up in a determined mood and siezed the day. He was able to collect an even amount of souls for both of his partners, the demon twin pistols Liz and Patty. He even managed to look at himself in the bathroom mirror and smile, despite his asymmetrical Sanzu lines accros his black hair.

"Kid, slow down!"

Kid didn't realize that Liz and Patty were so far behind him. "Will you stop already?" Liz shouted from the top of the stairway. "We can't keep up with you!" The day had been a long one for all three of them, and the two twin pistols hadn't been enjoying it as much as their meister.

Liz wore Liz a sleeveless red belly shirt with a small white necktie. She had light, hazel-colored hair and had a cowboy hat with slanted-foreward rims. Her sister, Patty, had short, blonde hair and the same kind of sleeveless belly shirt and tie as her older sister. She wore puffy jean shorts and heeled leather boots, and had a hat identical to that of her older sister's, only with floppy "ears" on each side.

Kid had stopped his trailing down the immense set of stairs, brushed off his black shirt patterned with symmetrical white patches and fixed his Shinigami-skull tie. He noticed that even Patty, who usually kept a cheerful and childlike attitude, was slowing down to catch her breath. She bent over pouted. "My feet hurt!" She squealed in a weak tone. "Can we rest?" Kid sighed and smiled. "Alright, we'll stop by Death Robbins and get some ice cream." _Why not, _he thought to himself. "It'll be on me. Then we can go home, okay?"

At this news, Patty immediatley rushed down the stairs at lightspeed in her tall, heeled boots, her face lit up with excitement. "Really, Kid?" Patty rushed her speech. "Can we really, really _really_ go to Death Robbins and get ice cream for real?" By this point, she was hopping up and down like a rabbit. Kid forced a laugh. "Yes, for real."

"Yaaaay!" Patty jumped up and down, throwing her arms in the air. Liz was only halfway down the steps. "Well, you're certainly happy." She blew some strands of hair from her face. "What happened, did you get nominated for the 'Perfect Symmetry Award'?" Despite Liz's impossibly corny jokes and Patty's childish giggling, Kid kept his cheerful morale. "No, I didn't achive some kind of award, I'm just feeling a lot better than usual today." Liz shrugged. "As long as you don't freak out or anything, I'm fine." Patty ran around in circles. "Ice cream! Ice cream!" She chanted. Liz almost got dizzy trying to watch her run. "Well, let's go get some ice cream." The trio walked off as Patty continued to shout. She giggled after a few verses of her ice cream chant.

After getting ice cream for the two girls and himself, Kid and his partners enjoyed their frozen treats while walking back to Gallows Mansion. "Today was fun!" Patty giggled. "Really fun!" Liz smiled and shrugged again. "I admit, this is a lot better than your usual self."

Kid bit another portion of his sherbert popsicle. "I'm glad you two like it. I may make a habit of this every other sunday, getting you ice cream and all."

Every other Sunday. Eight days in between. Eight, the most symmetrical number. Kid was positive today could not get any better. He took another bite. "You two deserve it. I don't think I've been showing enough appreciation for all your hard work." He walked up onto the symmetrycal placemat and turned the Shinigami-insignia doorknob. "Welcome h-"

Death the Kid was unable to finish his welcome to Liz and Patty upon seeing something.

Something awful.

As soon as he stepped into the mansion, sparkling silver confetti bursted from the doorway. White banners were released from the ceiling. A white placemat covered the Shinigami's table, upon which a white cake was placed. A large banner that read the words, "I'M BACK" was spread across the ceiling. And in the middle of all theese party decorations was someone Kid thought he'd never have to see again.

"Hahahaha! Salutations, children! I have arrived! You've been waiting, yes? ...You _do_ remember who I am, don't you? Oh, of course you do! After all, who could ever forget the Legendary Sword Excalibur?"

The Holy Sword pranced around the kitchen. "Excalibur, Excalibur, From the United K, I'm looking for Heaven, I'm going to Californiaaaa, Excalibur, Excalibur..."

Kid let out a long and horrible shreik.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: The Sword's New Residence**

"Umm...Kid?"

Kid had screamed without a single breath for six full minutes. Excalibur had been reciting his medley for this time, while Patty was clapping and giggling. "Heeheeheeheehee!" Patty was amused by the combined elements of the party-style decor, Excalibur's repetitive singing, and Kid's never-ending scream. "It's like a fun house with loud voices and cake!"

"Kid? ...Are you okay in there?" Liz waved a hand in front of Kid's face. "Kid? Hey! KID! _KID!" _She slapped him across the face, and he abruptly stopped shouting. "Wha..?"Kid looked around and saw the Legendary Sword dancing on his couch, and started screaming like a child again. Liz facepalmed. She slapped Kid harder now, making him fall to the ground. "What's your problem?!" Liz shouted impatiently. "And who _is _this creep?!"

Excalibur stopped his singing immediately. Patty kept clapping, but it soon faded (as she found the situation to be slightly awkward). Excalibur stepped off the couch and walked over to Liz. "You seem to be confused," Excalibur said. "Apparently, the Death Weapon Miester Academy hasn't educated you well enough on my legend." Liz scoffed. "Legend?"

Excalibur lightly tapped Liz on the head with his cane. "Legend, indeed!" Liz swiped the cane away. "Don't touch-!" But she was interrupted by Excalibur. "It seems I will have to teach you of my historical timeline." Patty squealed with excitement. "Storytime!"

"Ahem. My legend begins in the twelfth century..."

"Kid, what the heck is a sword doing in our house?" Liz asked. Kid rubbed his temples and sighed. "Remember when me and BlackStar went searching for the alleged Holy Sword?" Liz had to think about it for a moment. "Yeah, I remember. Wait. Oh, no, don't tell me... That...that..._thing_ is the Holy Sword?" Liz looked at the rambling Excalibur and then back at Kid. "Are you _kidding me?!_"

Kid groaned with discomfort. "Sadly no, It's true. And he's the most annoying thing on the face of the planet! Even if he _i_s the greatest and perfectly symmetrical weapon, his self-absorbed personality and 1000 Provisions make it a living torture!" He started to hyperventalate furiously.

_This sucks,_ thought Liz. _Everything was going so well today. And just when Kid started to act more mature._

"...And soon I joined met a gang, of which I became a proud member, and we roamed the alleyways of the city!"

Kid slowed his breathing, although still heavily concerned. "But, why?" He thought aloud. "Why would he come back? What is it that he wants?" He groaned again and started to whimper childishly, as if in one of his "asymmetry fits."

"...Thus, I faced my interests toward the 7:00 news, which I watched religiously every night..."

Liz noticed that Kid was in pain, and Patty wasn't helping by munching on cake and listening to Excalibur's story. "Ugh. I have to do _everything_ around here, don't I?" She began to get a headache having to hear Excalibur ramble on and on. "Hey, sword guy!" She shouted.

"...Which is why I refuse _ever_ to eat carrots! ...Oh. Yes, madam?" Excalibur turned to Liz. "Yeah, um..." She looked back at Death the Kid, who was curled up in the corner crying like a baby. "...Yeah, not to be rude or anything, but why exactly are you here?" Kid shot up from the corner. He still had _some_ dignity left in him. As he rubbed his puffy red eyes, he managed to sputter out, "Y-yes, what gives you the audacity to intrude my home?"

Excalibur tipped his hat and cleared his throat. "...Oh, yes, terribly sorry. I haven't given my reason for being here yet." He pulled out a handkerchief and blew his nose (wherever his nose was). "See, I waited in that cave for the triumphant return of my two visitors for months. It gave me time to think and consider some things. Important things, see. See, months, maybe a year ago, this young man (he poised his cane to Kid) and a rather obnoxious blue-haired one entered my realm in search of my glory. When they arrived, however, they were hesitant. Impatient, I dare say. Yet, one of the respected visitors were more...competent, I should say." He walked back onto the couch. "Patient. Respectful. Thus, I have come to reclaim the place of my true meister's weapon."

Kid's heart dropped. "T..._true_ meister?"

"True meister, indeed!" Excalibur backflipped off the couch and landed in front of Patty. "Yah!" He raised his cane into the air and twirled it. Patty was obviously amused.

"Thus, I have chosen YOU to be my meister!" Excalibur twirled his cane and pointed it to Kid. Kid's eyes rolled back and he fainted. "He's so excited that we're partners now!" Excalibur said.

Patty stopped clapping. "Huh? New partner?"

Liz chimed in, "... Yeah, what about me and Patty?"

"Oh, this is good!" Excalibur walked over to Liz. "Now that I'm this young Shinigami's partner this should leave some time for you two young women to relax! To get to know each other a little better."

Liz blinked. "She's my sister."

Excalibur cleared his throat. "Yes, yes, of course she is." Patty went back to getting a third helping of cake. Excalibur turned to Kid. "Now, come on, Death the Kid, we've much work to do." The self-centered sword walked over to Kid, who had just started to get up.

Kid hesitated. "Wait! Wait! I..." He tried to think of an excuse. Something to say so he could get out of this mess. He looked around, searching for options. As he looked around, all he could see was Liz's confused expression and Patty munching on mouthfuls of Excalibur's cake. Excalibur started to talk nonstop again. "Now, to be a proper meister, you must follow my 1000 Clauses. Clause number one states that all my mornings start with a cup of coffee and cream. No decaf. Secondly-"

"Wait!" Kid shouted. "If you said you came back for the _two_ people who visited you, then what about BlackStar?" He breathed steadily. _Finally, _he thought. _A reasonable excuse._

Excalibur scratched his head under his hat. "Hmm...yes, him. BlackStar, was it? Oh, yes, the blue-haired fellow. Well, on my way here, I realized that it would be improper for a weapon to have two meisters. I came to the reasonable conclusion that only one meister could be chosen. Thus, you seemed a lot more...tolerable than BlackStar. It's just that he was...a bit...Hmmm...What's the word...?"

Patty, from across the room, raised her and and suggested, "Stupid?"

Excalibur snapped his fingers. "Yes! Stupid! That's the word! BlackStar is stupid! Hmm. that's got a bit of a ring to it. BlackStar is stupid!" He twirled his cane and started. "Let's give you a re-run on my legend. Where to begin...? Oh, yes. My legend begins in the twelfth century"

"No!"

Death the Kid was no longer in a generous mood. It was time for him to put up with someone else for once in his life. Excalibur looked at him, surprised. "Beg pardon?"

"You can't stay here." Kid interrupted. "Get out. Leave my home now." He pointed to the door. "Go on, get out of here." Excalibur froze. He lowered his cane. "...Hm. Yes. I see." He looked down and seemed to wilt. "I...I wouldn't want to impose." He slumped to the door, dragging his cane on the confetti-sprayed floor. "I see you weren't fit to be my meister. I'll just be on my way..." Patty, Liz and Kid watched Excalibur slowly walk off.

Patty wiped the white icing from the cake off her face. "Why'd you make the alien leave?" Kid sighed impatiently. "He just would've been trouble." Liz looked at Excalibur and then at Kid, who was walking upstairs. "Patty's kinda right, Kid. That was a little harsh." Kid stopped. "Look, I just can't stand the thought of Excalibur in our house-"

He looked down and noticed Patty hugging onto his legs. "Okay, Patty, move." She looked up at him with wide, sympathetic eyes."Patty, I..." He tried to look away from Patty's childish complexion, but it was no use. "I just...We can't..." He shut his eyes as tight as possible. Patty just hugged harder. Kid gritted his teeth. "Patty, please don't..."

Patty let out a small and pathetic, "Pweeease?"

Kid grunted. "Oh, _fine_..." He looked over at Excalibur, who was only halfway to the door. "Alright, you can stay, Excalibur." The words stung as they came out.

Excalibur lit up. "Splendid! Now where was I? Oh yes! The twelfth century..."

Kid had no idea what he had gotten himself into.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: Duct Tape**

The next day, Death the Kid woke up with something covering his eyes. "What the..?" He tried to take it off, but it seemed to be stuck. "Hey...Hello?" He couldn't see anything. He got up from his bed and tried to walk to the door, but he tripped and fell. He pounded the floor with his fist. "I bet I know who's responsible for this." He tried standing up, but his head bumped into something small sticking out of the wall.

"Dammit..." He reached for the doorknob, turned it and fell out of the doorway. "Alright, Kid," He tried to calm himself. "Just try to find the-" He fell down the stairs headfirst and fell for what seemed like minutes. Once he stopped falling, he stood up and tried to pull off whatever was blocking his field of vision.

"Fool!"

Kid stopped pulling on his face. "_Excalibur..." _He said under his breath. "What are you doing?" He heard the obnoxious sword ask. Kid turned to his left. "What do you think I'm doing, I'm trying to get this..." another tug at his face "...stupid thing..." another yank "...off of my face!"

"Ah, yes, your sleep mask," Excalibur said. "I put it there. And you're not facing me."

Kid turned to his right. "..._Why_ did you glue a sleeping mask to my face?" He yanked at the mask again.

"Oh, it's not glue," The Holy Sword said. "Just duct tape." Kid froze. "Why would you _do _that!?"

"Fool! It's stated in Clause 62 that every meister must wear a sleep mask during slumber! Didn't you listen to my clauses yesterday? I simply added restraints so it wouldn't fall off in the middle of the night." Kid sighed. "Just get this off of my eyes." He could hear Excalibur walking over to him. "Here, I'll just tear it off." The sword said impatiently. Kid could feel Excalibur gripping the edges of the duct tape on his face. "No, no, no, no, wait! Excalibur, wait, I'm not-"

Excalibur yanked off the duct tape with great force, which resulted in Kid letting out a painful screech. He gripped the sides of his face and rushed to the bathroom mirror. He could see two fresh red streaks on both sides of his face. "Ow.." He grunted "At least it's symmetrical..." He looked in the mirror's reflection of the room and saw Excalibur in the doorway leaning on his cane.

"Well, don't just stand there. Get me my coffee and cream."

Kid turned to Excalibur. "_What?!" _Excalibur sighed."Clause 1: Every morning starts with a cup of coffee with cream. Now go make me some coffee with cream." Kid sighed and walked off. He suddenly realized that he was only wearing his boxers. "...Can I change first?" Excalibur scratched his head. "Hmmmm... No."

Kid grunted and walked off to make the Holy Sword his morning beverage.

"Remember, no decaf!"


End file.
